It Takes a Village

I think they need to have a national support group for single parents to keep us from A. going crazy and B. thinking we're crazy.  Hi my name is Tammy and I'm a single parent...Hi Tammy, thank you for sharing. 

The journey of single parenting has been the toughest of all my journey's!  Not kidding!!!  When I was pregnant with Mikayla, I had a huge support system - the beginning of my village.  I was living with a family that took me in because I literally left my daughter's father at nearly midnight on August 16th, 1994 - barefoot and pregnant.  The next day, I showed up at what I call "The Heisey Haven."  I was able to see how a healthy family operated for the first time in my life.  I had a year of "training" with them. 

While pregnant, I began attending a church in Orlando in December of that same year.  My friend Richel attended there and she was one of the first real friendships I had in my life, that had literally been put together by God.  She has been one of my mentor's for years, and of course one of my dearest friends.  As I attended this church, I was learning about the importance of having an earthly father (which for many people, that means an earthly "spiritual" father) that could teach us how to have a relationship with "THE FATHER."  This was kind of a foreign thing for me because I had seen my father's (biological and step) abandon the relationship with my mother and thus abandon the relationship with me.  So in my heart and belief system, father's always left.  Not to mention, the God I learned about as a child was mean and angry and more like the godfather, so to trust Him as a father was really a journey.  With the love and guidance from my pastor and his family (Pastor Mark Evans and Mama Crystal) I began to learn and try and fail and learn and try and fail, but get back up, dust myself off and try again to trust.  Pastor Mark took me under his wing and would speak into my life as a father should.  Sometimes it made me angry!!!  Sometimes it would make me melt!!  Sometimes I would get in his face with pride and be a rebel!!  But he kept nurturing my heart!  He kept speaking life into me and over me.  He would correct me with a gentleness, push me with firmness and somehow I would always walk away feeling loved.

During the course of my pregnancy, I was able to save enough money to take 12 weeks off of work after Mikayla was born.  This bonding time was crazy good for me and her!  Mikayla was like the best baby on the planet.  She slept through the night at 4 weeks old.  We had the same sleeping schedules, which was incredibly good as it helped me be able to function after I went back to work.  Me and no sleep do not go well together!  Trust me!!  I've always been an early to bed early to rise girl - apart from about 2 years of craziness prior to my getting pregnant.

The caregivers that God sent for Mikayla were always the best!!!  She was surrounded from birth with godly families who lived, ate, and breathed God in a good way!!  This was wonderful for me as well, because for the first time in my life, other than life at the Heisey's, I was seeing God as a Father.  Not just some genie in the sky I was talking to asking for help all the time.  Which by the way...is very very very difficult for me to ask for help!! 

For years Mikayla and I grew together.  God surrounded her with "spiritual" daddy's from the time she came into this world.  I knew that this would be absolutely necessary for her to become a well balanced, healthy individual.  The one that has been in her life the longest - Sameer, was always taking her to water parks and having a blast with her.  Speaking life over her, praying with her, helping her.  Teaching her how to blow bubbles with her bubble gum.  Making a sandbox for her in my back yard.  The stuff that Daddy's do! 

In 1999 my mom and I had built a house in Eustis.  We wanted to move back in together because my mom was an integral part of "the village."  She would pick Mikayla up from daycare for me and spend tons of time with her.  She bought her cool things like the dollhouse that sits in our back yard.  She helped with the financial end of making a cool playground for Mikayla as a child.  All the kids came to our house when she was into all that stuff.  We would dress up and have tea parties in her dollhouse and read books together.  We had a blast! 

It was also during this year that I was introduced to Family Bible Church in Eustis through my daughter's pre-school teacher.  I prayed about making a change for nearly 2 years.  I loved my church in Orlando.  I loved the people, I loved the relationships I had, I loved being a part of the worship team, and loved being able to help others too.  I left NWC in 2001 but was open to new things that God wanted to teach me as a Father.  He had been showing me the grace message during these 2 years in my alone time with him.  My first official day at Family Bible Church was on "Father's Day!"  Imagine that!

One of my priorities in making the change, was that Mikayla would add to her "spiritual" parent family!  Well, it obviously was God's priority too.  Mikayla was able to build relationship with another set of spiritual parents - Rod and Jill.  They were crazy about her, spent time with her, have made tons of memories with her throughout the years.  The funny stories they tell just crack me up!  Mikayla has had nothing but the best! 

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock of the teen years.  It seemed like it just happened one day...and the feeling it left in my heart was indescribable.  I asked myself...who are you and where is my daughter?  Where is the one that has been my shadow for all these years?  Where is the one that likes to spend time with me?  She doesn't like me anymore!!!  She thinks I'm the dumbest thing on the planet!!  It seemed as though things were just out of control and I was in panic mode this past year as a parent.  However, God reminded me quickly to "employ" the forces!

Enter "The Village!!!"  The Village is crucial!!!  The Village is mandatory!!!  However, what I didn't realize is that the village could be so painful....sniff sniff.  It is incredibly difficult watching everyone else be the hero in your child's life!  You see the areas you just don't cut it.  You see what you're not!  You see what you can't be!  You see what you can't offer and have to depend on someone else to show the way because otherwise its the blind leading the blind. After you get out of the pity party....You see how your child's heart flourishes!!  You see your child becoming strengthened and solid.  You see them come alive in the midst of some of the most difficult years in their own lives.  I mean after all, they have to figure out who they are, what they want, etc., and battle insecurities, navigate friendships and potential relationships.  It's crazy for them. 

God keeps adding to the village too!  Now we have some newbies to "the village" - Seth and Lori (Mikayla's youth pastor's). Mikayla has known Lori since we went to Family Bible Church, but now Lori is grown, and has a family of her own.  We have Danny and Rae, who helped navigate the painful year when Mikayla just didn't want to be a part of church anymore.  We still have all the other spiritual parent's that have been in place since birth.  And then we have me....and although I don't appear important at this point in her life,  I know that God gave me wisdom enough to know and understand the importance of other's coming along side to support, and fill the gaps, and in some cases gaping holes (no father) to bring up a child.  God knows my weaknesses and He brings along those that can be a strength.  It's hard to accept the help sometime because you feel so "less than" I guess.  But in a gentle reminder from MY HEAVENLY FATHER... "Tammy, just trust me, I know what I'm doing and you've listened to Me.  Mikayla is ultimately Mine (God's) and I (God) will see to it she is steady and secure." 

Don't let anyone tell you different....it takes a village!!! 

I'm very thankful for my village!!! 

TDahl