Love - we hear so many things about it! We see it in the movies packaged perfectly. We have books written in depth about it. We go to conferences to learn about it, and the list goes on. While I feel it is super important to gain an understanding from a healthy perspective, so you have some idea of what the experience should mirror, there is also an ideology that society has marketed, that we've been fed and led to believe. I think more often than not, we tend to chase societies marketed version and when our experience doesn't line up (and it won't), we chuck it to the curb still in search of the ultimate "high" in love! Now, I'm a pretty straight shooter, and I've got some things to say about "love," so buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride!
My ideals about love were very skewed for many years. Ever since I can remember, I've always lived with a fear of abandonment and rejection, because in my experience love always left. Love, to me had never been a safe place. So, you can probably imagine what my perfect and packaged list of all the qualities I wanted in my husband looked like. Reflecting on my list, I think it was my safety net and my excuse to avoid love, because that person pretty much had to be "Jesus" to win my heart. Now, please don't misunderstand me, having a list with possibilities is not a bad thing, but you've got to be flexible too.
When Jeff and I began dating, my two biggest fears were: #1 - He was my best friends cousin and I did not want to mess up the friendship her and I share, had Jeff and I not worked out! #2 - He was not my list! He did not fit the mold I had detailed and outlined in my journal almost 20 years prior to meeting him. A friend of mine, who really had no idea that I was struggling with "my list" per say, told me out of the blue one day to "chuck my list!" That moment was a God moment for me! I revisited my list once again and noticed that the most important quality I had noted was "his heart" and there was no mistaking that Jeff had a heart like no other. See, I had this idea I was going to marry a minister and we were going to minister together and we were going to do all these "Jesus" things together. Jeff doesn't even go to church! Now, "religious" people, pipe down - I didn't say he wasn't a believer, I said he doesn't go to church! He's not anti-church, whatsoever! He just gets bored. Ask my husband to sit for an hour and a half to two hours! You better be engaging and funny to keep his attention for that long! My husband has shown me more Jesus than 99% of the people that walk around with a billboard declaring they're Christians. He loves people with his actions and not just his words! He inspires me to love others! He is my Jesus with skin on!
To know love and experience the love that Jeff and I share, is what I've longed for my entire life. He makes me feel safe and secure. He protects me. He looks out for me. He loves my daughter and my mom and gives of himself for us. He's God's man for me!! Absolutely no doubt about it!! We accept each other as we are and inspire each other to become better. We have a deep mutual respect for each other and honor each other's place in our lives. It has been more of a learning curve for me on the whole "providing" and "being taken care of" factor. I'm a very independent woman and my best friend (his cousin) has been my biggest coach in this area. I can't even tell you how many times I've called her and asked her how to handle Jeff doing what God created a man to do! I've never experienced that! I've always witnessed and experienced men "taking" from my family.
I'm not quite sure why I felt so compelled to write about this particular subject today. I just had this burning desire to write about it. Maybe someone needs this today or some day down the road. Maybe you struggle with a "list" (an ideology). Maybe you struggle with "independence" instead of "interdependence." Maybe you want "love" to look like the movies or what society has marketed to us - you know "romance, flowers, and fluff!" Look, my husband is not romantic by nature, according to societies depiction that is, yet he's the most passionate man I've ever met when it comes to taking care of his family. I'd much rather have that quality above fluff and stuff any day of the week. Not that he doesn't have his romantic side, because he does and its authentic and better than any romance novel or movie, because this girl, this girl right here, knows love for the first time in her life!! Sure, I've loved before, but not like this! I was in love with the idea of love. Now, I understand through experience what it is to know love!
Tammy Dahl-Bolin
