To Know Love

Love - we hear so many things about it!  We see it in the movies packaged perfectly.  We have books written in depth about it.  We go to conferences to learn about it, and the list goes on.  While I feel it is super important to gain an understanding from a healthy perspective, so you have some idea of what the experience should mirror, there is also an ideology that society has marketed, that we've been fed and led to believe.  I think more often than not, we tend to chase societies marketed version and when our experience doesn't line up (and it won't), we chuck it to the curb still in search of the ultimate "high" in love!   Now, I'm a pretty straight shooter, and I've got some things to say about "love," so buckle your seat belts and enjoy the ride!

 

My ideals about love were very skewed for many years.  Ever since I can remember, I've always lived with a fear of abandonment and rejection, because in my experience love always left.  Love, to me had never been a safe place.  So, you can probably imagine what my perfect and packaged list of all the qualities I wanted in my husband looked like.  Reflecting on my list, I think it was my safety net and my excuse to avoid love, because that person pretty much had to be "Jesus"  to win my heart.  Now, please don't misunderstand me, having a list with possibilities is not a bad thing, but you've got to be flexible too. 

 

When Jeff and I began dating, my two biggest fears were:   #1 - He was my best friends cousin and I did not want to mess up the friendship her and I share, had Jeff and I not worked out!  #2 - He was not my list!  He did not fit the mold I had detailed and outlined in my journal almost 20 years prior to meeting him.  A friend of mine, who really had no idea that I was struggling with "my list" per say, told me out of the blue one day to "chuck my list!"  That moment was a God moment for me!  I revisited my list once again and noticed that the most important quality I had noted was "his heart" and there was no mistaking that Jeff had a heart like no other.  See, I had this idea I was going to marry a minister and we were going to minister together and we were going to do all these "Jesus" things together.  Jeff doesn't even go to church!  Now, "religious" people, pipe down - I didn't say he wasn't a believer, I said he doesn't go to church!  He's not anti-church, whatsoever!  He just gets bored.  Ask my husband to sit for an hour and a half to two hours!  You better be engaging and funny to keep his attention for that long!  My husband has shown me more Jesus than 99% of the people that walk around with a billboard declaring they're Christians.  He loves people with his actions and not just his words!  He inspires me to love others!  He is my Jesus with skin on! 

 

 

 

To know love and experience the love that Jeff and I share, is what I've longed for my entire life.  He makes me feel safe and secure.  He protects me.  He looks out for me.  He loves my daughter and my mom and gives of himself for us.  He's God's man for me!!  Absolutely no doubt about it!!  We accept each other as we are and inspire each other to become better.  We have a deep mutual respect for each other and honor each other's place in our lives.  It has been more of a learning curve for me on the whole "providing" and "being taken care of" factor.  I'm a very independent woman and my best friend (his cousin) has been my biggest coach in this area.  I can't even tell you how many times I've called her and asked her how to handle Jeff doing what God created a man to do!  I've never experienced that!  I've always witnessed and experienced men "taking" from my family. 

 

I'm not quite sure why I felt so compelled to write about this particular subject today.  I just had this burning desire to write about it.  Maybe someone needs this today or some day down the road.  Maybe you struggle with a "list" (an ideology).  Maybe you struggle with "independence" instead of "interdependence."  Maybe you want "love" to look like the movies or what society has marketed to us - you know "romance, flowers, and fluff!"  Look, my husband is not romantic by nature, according to societies depiction that is, yet he's the most passionate man I've ever met when it comes to taking care of his family.  I'd much rather have that quality above fluff and stuff any day of the week.  Not that he doesn't have his romantic side, because he does and its authentic and better than any romance novel or movie, because this girl, this girl right here, knows love for the first time in her life!!  Sure, I've loved before, but not like this!  I was in love with the idea of love.  Now, I understand through experience what it is to know love!  

Tammy Dahl-Bolin

Trust, Respect, and Strong Women

Early this morning, I was slowly waking up and I felt this strong urge to write a blog on marriage.  Now, I'm no expert in marriage whatsoever!  I was a student of marriage though, for many years, and still am!!  I feel that I've learned a great deal from the example of my spiritual parents, Allen & Janice Speegle.  Recently, my husband and I attended their "Love that Lasts" marriage workshop.  Most of what they taught, I was privy to see in their marriage, over the course of twelve years.  Prior to their leadership, my former pastors, Mark and Crystal Evans also mirrored a phenomenal example of what a great marriage should and could be.  I attended marriage workshops, long before I was ever married!  I'm very thankful that God set me in the midst of those who understand what it takes to create an amazing marriage.  Now, I have the opportunity to work out the principles they've taught me, in my own marriage.  I'm incredibly grateful to Daddy God and them for their investment into my life!

 

 

 

First, I want to say, that although I'm in the "newlywed" stage, I am very well aware that marriage takes commitment, first and foremost, and it requires intention!  Intention to me, is action with a specific result in mind.  I feel many have "intentions" but rarely have "follow through!"  Intention to me is the act of following through! 

 

When Jeff and I began dating, there were specific qualities I looked for that would give me a gauge as to whether or not he was husband material.  I studied him.  I observed his actions and reactions to things.  I also did not stick my head in the sand in regards to my strengths and weaknesses.  I invested years in myself to cultivate a new mindset in regards to relationships.  I never witnessed a healthy marriage within my own family core while growing up, and my mindset about relationships early on in life, was very unhealthy.  I embraced that while working on me!  I also made it a priority in my single life, to learn about how men were wired!  What made them flourish?  What made them feel less than?  What was the main trigger of relationship breakdown?  I would ask questions and I found lots of answers throughout my years of study.  I would take myself through various scenarios in my minds eye on how I would respond to certain things in a relationship, etc., especially with the full knowledge that I am a very strong woman!  Though, I'm strong, I had full knowledge that I was not designed to wear the pants in the family, per say.  Many strong women, find it very difficult to give up, for lack of a better term, "control!"  Strong women have this ideal in their minds of how things should run!  If we are not careful, we can become "nags!"  Proverbs states (paraphrased) that "it is better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to live with a nag!"  It would break my heart if my husband ever referred to me as a nag, so I am extremely careful in my response to things, in the event I may not agree with a decision he makes. 

 

There were a few things on my so called "mate" checklist that needed to be so real for me.  First, I would have to have a great trust in him, and have a great respect for him.  The man that would even have half a chance in winning my heart would have to exhibit the character traits that would warrant trust and respect!   In following my heart, I knew it would feel safe, if he indeed possessed those qualities.  

 

Jeff obviously exhibited the qualities I needed because on July 30th we said "I do!"  I chose that man whole heartedly!  Jeff and I are both very strong individuals, yet the two of us have very tender hearts.  Do we see eye to eye on everything?  Nope!  Does that change the fact that I trust and respect that man?  Not at all!! Jeff and I communicate about everything.  We talk things out.  He has made some decisions that I do not agree with, however because he is my husband, and I both trust and respect him, I yield to his decision.  He is also very careful in making decisions that could hurt or dishonor my heart in any way.  In marriage we will not do everything right!  We are human beings.  However, if we remain fully aware that our words, actions, and decisions, can and will affect the other person, we are consciously keeping our marriage on priority status! 

 

Ladies, our men need our trust and respect!  You may say, "well, I can't respect my husband and I don't trust him because he makes bad decisions!"  My response to that is "and you don't?"  Listen, just because someone makes a bad decision or doesn't do what you would do, does not give you the right to disrespect your man!  Speak life to him!  You want to see him make better decisions?  Then encourage him!  Wives, you need to be the biggest encourager in your man's life!!!  Be the safe place he can fall!  If you want to see him change some things, then you start by being the change you want to see.  Respect is a choice! 

 

Strong women, MARRIAGE is for you!  You can be strong, but do not use your strengths in a way that it becomes a hindrance to your husband!  You may have the right answer to something, he may not, or vice-versa.  Allow your husband to be the man!  Trust his judgment!  You obviously trusted and respected him enough to say I do.  If you said "I do" not having trust and respect for him, that's on you, not him!  Take responsibility for your choice and then be honest with yourself and answer the question, is it possible for you to choose trust and respect for him and trust that the feelings will follow?  Only you can answer that question.

 

Marriage is for Strong Women!

 

TDahl

Redeemed, Restored, and Loved Fiercely

I, like every “girl” on the planet had often fantasized as a young woman, about the perfect “Fairy Tale” romance.  Little girls are taught that they are the princesses waiting for their knight in shining armor to sweep them off of their feet, romance them, and ultimately rescue them with their love, protection, and loyalty.  Every girl wants the fairy tale, but rarely do we really live what we’ve imagined.

 



 

I’ve felt for many years that I had lost the “Fairy Tale” due to my own choices and mistakes.   When I had my daughter Mikayla, I put her first!  I gave up dating to focus on raising her.   I had settled in my mind that if I didn’t meet someone when she was super little, then I would just wait it out until she was grown.  I did not want my heart to be distracted whatsoever.  I could not afford heartbreak as I felt I needed my daughter to have the best of me and never the rest of me!  I did a lot of heart work over those years of raising her.  I had realized that in my youth and early twenties, I had accepted counterfeit romances.   In my twenties I associated romance with being wined and dined.  After all, my career of choice in those early years was a life in the adult entertainment business.  Everything was externally focused.

 

My daughter Mikayla, graduated high school in May of 2013 and about 2 months prior to her graduation, I began dating again.  Wow, had I lived under a rock for nearly twenty years.  I was very cautious, and yet very naïve all at the same time.   During this dating process, I realized something about myself that was nothing less than a miracle.  I realized that I had a different heart.  This heart of mine wasn’t hard like it had been all those years back.  It was trusting and open!  Something I’ve never known.  I knew God had done extensive healing in me as I partnered with Him through all those years of singleness.  God had to literally recreate a new heart within me.  The Word of God promises He will do that, but to actually realize you’re living that promise, is an incredible revelation.  I used to be as cold as ice when it came to the opposite sex.  I had been hurt by men my entire life.  I endured sexual abuse as a young child and teenager, and then later down the road I had worked in an industry where I chose to be abused!   Needless to say, God had His work cut out for him when it came to me when I began my healing journey all those years ago.

When I met Jeff, I wasn’t looking!  They say that’s when love hits you right smack upside the head.  In fact, I had just gotten out of a 2 month dating relationship when I had met him, and jumping into another dating relationship was not on my agenda.   My best friend, Beth was in town and it was her birthday.  I had been invited over to her son and daughter-in-law’s house for her birthday party.  As I was sitting there, I heard this loud truck roll up.  I looked over at Beth and said, “Who’s that?”  She replied, “Oh, that’s just Jeff.”  As he walked up on the porch, I noticed that my heart was unexplainably drawn to him.  After hanging out that night, and later finding out that there was some serious speculation going on as to whether something would happen between the two of us, Jeff FINALLY contacted me about a month and a half later.  Our first official date was on his birthday at the end of August.  I had the time of my life!  I felt like God had literally put my life of rewind that day.  I felt the innocence of my youth again.  My youth had been stolen from me, so to feel that innocence again, especially in my heart, was incredibly profound.   It was as if I had a heart that had never been hurt before.  I choose to believe, I do!  Until now, I have never known what it felt like to be protected in love.  And that my friends, is the ultimate “fairy tale!”  I have found the one in whom my heart calls home.

  

If you’re single and reading this, be encouraged!  I challenge you to prepare yourself for the relationship you desire to have.  Use this time to grow!  Surround yourself with those whom have amazing marriages, and become a student of those relationships!  I spent many years in singleness and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.  I had time to invest in myself, becoming the woman I needed to become to attract the relationship I desired.  Because of that investment in myself I knew exactly what I needed a man to bring to the proverbial table of a relationship, and I was prepared to receive the desires of my heart.

Living the “REAL” life fairy tale – redeemed, restored, and loved fiercely,

TDahl

The Ultimate Adventure



I think that everyone comes to a place in their lives when they are faced with the reality that not only are they going to die, but they are going to age, and the landscape of their life will change several times.  Our lives begin as an empty canvas, and in the beginning our parents are the artists who are shaping, fashioning, teaching, and molding our lives.  As we grow, and the shift takes place where we, ourselves, carry on as the artist, we are given the opportunity to choose as we desire.   Hopefully, we choose partnership with our Creator, as we begin creating our masterpiece.  Often times, that is not the case, however I still believe it is a valued part of the journey in the creating process.  As we begin to create the life we think we want, or think we desire, we find as we mature and grow, that the vision we have, is both subject to change and will change.  Many times we must do a revamp!  We finally figure out that what we choose, often changes with the varying season of our lives.  Even still, each intricate detail is an important part of our life masterpiece!     

 

One of my traditions is reflecting on my life every New Years Eve.  This past New Year's Eve I sat by a warm, crackling fire out in the country and just thought of this past year's journey.  I glanced over at the amazing man in my life, and thought to myself, this was my biggest life change over 2013.  I began thinking of how many changes I've been through over the past 2 years and thought to myself, "God has been teaching me so much about life in such a short time."  It's almost mind blowing.  I have so much more to learn, but I can say that I'm embracing the teaching process - even though at times its incredibly painful.  It's painful because it requires me to be open and vulnerable - something that is incredibly scary at times. 

As this exterior shell (our bodies) ages and changes, and we go through a series of metamorphic transformations, both inside and out, it is no question that the real substance of our being is our heart.  The cry of my heart, and really everyone's heart, is to simply be loved.  Loved for who we are deep down inside, apart from what we can offer someone.  I believe as we choose to make love our primary pursuit, over what we would like to "accomplish" in our lifetime, or the "legacy" we would like to leave, that "LOVE" becomes more evident to those around us.  When love becomes our purpose, it will draw truth, purity, and more love!  I believe as we age, and mature, the masks of our lives begin to disintegrate and we become our authentic selves.  Authenticity in and of itself involves deep transformation of ones self.  It involves us becoming so aware of not only who we are, but who we desire to be.   

 



 

Over the past few years I've come to realize that my journey of choosing to love, is also a quest that seriously ignites my heart!  I believe that love is the ultimate adventure.  It is the ultimate adventure because it requires us to live from our hearts.  I've also realized to a greater degree, that love has the power to create amazing things.  For example, love can unlock someone's dream and cause them to finally believe in themselves.  I know that happened for me in the area of music.  Love can also set someone free from living a life of condemnation.  Love overlooks the bad, seeks the good, and as a result empowers change!  If you want to see changes in your life or the lives of others?  Then in the words and teaching of Pastor Danny Silk, choose to "Keep Your Love On!"

People will let us down!  They will also hurt and betray us.  They will be self seeking and have their own agendas and love will be the furthest thing from their choices.  They will try to convince you it is love, but love is not self seeking, it does not think more highly of itself.  It is not arrogant and it is not rude.  It decreases so others can increase.  When you choose love, it will appear "most" of the time it as if you are last, and even at times forgotten.  That is painful!  Yet, in that pain you'll find that you are empowered because we still have the ability to choose love!  It's the most powerful force in the Universe, and it will literally bring about healing and change.  It is our choice!  It is the most powerful choice!  It is the most difficult choice!  However, it is the wisest choice!  We mirror our Father God when we choose love! 

Choosing Love & Empowering Others!

TDahl