One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is Proverbs 4:23 NLT - Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.
Your heart is the center of what you believe. As a young child I did not even know this verse, let alone even think about “guarding my heart.” As a child, the Bible to me was just a cool book (I’ve always loved leather-bound books!) with a bunch of words that were hard to understand and absolutely made no sense at all with all the “thee’s” and “thou’s”, written upon its pages. Furthermore, we mustn’t forget all the “shalt not’s!” I knew what “thou shalt not kill” meant, but what the heck did “covet” mean to a 10-year old? You get my point!
One of the most frustrating, yet most factual things that I’ve known for years is – “You attract what you are, and what you are is a result of what you believe.” We act upon what we believe. Look at the areas of your life today that are not the way you want them to be. I want to talk specifically about our beliefs about love.
As far as relationships, I think I've actually been "in" love only once in my entire life! My high school sweetheart was the love of my life from a human perspective. When we were in a relationship, I was the unhealthy partner. He, on the other hand, seemed to really have a grasp on what love was. I had always dealt with abandonment and rejection issues so I was always creating some sort of drama in our lives to reinforce the belief system that was operating in my heart and so I always had the expectation of him leaving. This led to a very emotionally draining relationship for both of us. When the relationship did end, I was a mess! I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly broken I was. I was broken enough to literally plan my own suicide. Talk about unhealthy! After our relationship was over, I began seeking out just sexual relationships. I didn't have to engage my emotions and could "fix" myself for a few days if I could connect with someone sexually. It was kind of strange because most women get all emotionally wrapped up in someone if they had sex, and me, well, I was opposite. It really was just sex to me. It meant nothing! It was my drug and I got my fix and moved on! Just keepin' it real peeps! I had a string of men on my speed dial and never lacked the ability to reach out to any one of them if I needed my fix.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I had to make some super difficult choices. I chose to get my life together and do the work it would require to become a healthy individual. It's been the hardest journey of my life, but also the most rewarding!!! I did not want a relationship during the time I was raising my daughter because I didn't want a revolving door of men in my life. I wanted her to know she was priority to me and wanted her to be solid in developing her belief system about love. I purposed in my heart to surround "us" with strong families, incredible marriages, and incredible spiritual fathers, so we could learn together what love and relationships look like from a healthy perspective. I became a student of marriage. I spent time with couples and observed how they served each other, and did life together. I seen them go through hard times and stay so connected to each other as one unit. I decided then, that is exactly what I wanted and would do whatever it took to develop myself to have a relationship that was fulfilling!
I dated someone about 3 years ago for about a month. I can tell you this much, I did not develop myself for 15 years, at that time, to have a relationship like that. He was very self-serving. He had great qualities, but for me, not everything I was seeking out to have in a mate. I remember the last time he and I spent time together we went for a motorcycle ride to Daytona and I cried the whole way there telling myself I could not do this anymore! In fact, when we stopped for a bite to eat, he openly flirted with our waitress and I literally looked at him and said, "you just decided what you want!" He passed it off as nothing and laughed. He wasn't laughing when he realized I meant what I said and ended it! Is he a bad person, not at all!! Is he for me? NO WAY!!! I can tell you though, that this very short relationship had me questioning myself! I couldn't understand that after all these years of developing myself I still had attracted the emotionally unavailable, player (for lack of a better word). In fact it had me questioning myself so much that I went to a weekend workshop to try and discover what was really operating in my heart that kept me attracting what I had always attracted.
As far as relationships, I think I've actually been "in" love only once in my entire life! My high school sweetheart was the love of my life from a human perspective. When we were in a relationship, I was the unhealthy partner. He, on the other hand, seemed to really have a grasp on what love was. I had always dealt with abandonment and rejection issues so I was always creating some sort of drama in our lives to reinforce the belief system that was operating in my heart and so I always had the expectation of him leaving. This led to a very emotionally draining relationship for both of us. When the relationship did end, I was a mess! I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly broken I was. I was broken enough to literally plan my own suicide. Talk about unhealthy! After our relationship was over, I began seeking out just sexual relationships. I didn't have to engage my emotions and could "fix" myself for a few days if I could connect with someone sexually. It was kind of strange because most women get all emotionally wrapped up in someone if they had sex, and me, well, I was opposite. It really was just sex to me. It meant nothing! It was my drug and I got my fix and moved on! Just keepin' it real peeps! I had a string of men on my speed dial and never lacked the ability to reach out to any one of them if I needed my fix.
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I had to make some super difficult choices. I chose to get my life together and do the work it would require to become a healthy individual. It's been the hardest journey of my life, but also the most rewarding!!! I did not want a relationship during the time I was raising my daughter because I didn't want a revolving door of men in my life. I wanted her to know she was priority to me and wanted her to be solid in developing her belief system about love. I purposed in my heart to surround "us" with strong families, incredible marriages, and incredible spiritual fathers, so we could learn together what love and relationships look like from a healthy perspective. I became a student of marriage. I spent time with couples and observed how they served each other, and did life together. I seen them go through hard times and stay so connected to each other as one unit. I decided then, that is exactly what I wanted and would do whatever it took to develop myself to have a relationship that was fulfilling!
I dated someone about 3 years ago for about a month. I can tell you this much, I did not develop myself for 15 years, at that time, to have a relationship like that. He was very self-serving. He had great qualities, but for me, not everything I was seeking out to have in a mate. I remember the last time he and I spent time together we went for a motorcycle ride to Daytona and I cried the whole way there telling myself I could not do this anymore! In fact, when we stopped for a bite to eat, he openly flirted with our waitress and I literally looked at him and said, "you just decided what you want!" He passed it off as nothing and laughed. He wasn't laughing when he realized I meant what I said and ended it! Is he a bad person, not at all!! Is he for me? NO WAY!!! I can tell you though, that this very short relationship had me questioning myself! I couldn't understand that after all these years of developing myself I still had attracted the emotionally unavailable, player (for lack of a better word). In fact it had me questioning myself so much that I went to a weekend workshop to try and discover what was really operating in my heart that kept me attracting what I had always attracted.
It was during this workshop that I was able to participate in an exercise that exposed what my beliefs were in the area of love. I was sitting opposite of a guy I had never met, until that weekend. We had to sit face to face, look at each other in the eyes, and hold hands on top of that (talk about out of the box) and I had to answer the question – What is love? He would keep asking me the same question. My answers were things like, “the reason for living, God, the purpose of life”….and on and on I went. As I kept answering this question, I thought I had begun to run out of answers. As I came to the end of my “conscious” answers and began tapping into my subconscious, my real belief was exposed. “Love” to me represented things like abandonment, pain, rejection, instability and the list went on. Well, if I attract what I believe (and I will!), then I will attract someone who will cause or bring about those things. Then, my faulty belief will just be reinforced as my truth again. Well, I certainly don’t want to invite any more pain and rejection into my life (do you?), especially with a life partner, so I decided to change my truth in that area!! Is that easy to do! NOPE!!!
A few months back, I began dating another person. This one was different because I knew that ultimately God had me on a mission. There was no doubt in my mind! God had revealed some really incredible things to me about this person and for the most part, I just ministered to this individual by serving him, and pouring out the love of God to him. We had some amazing God moments together. There is absolutely nothing that can compare to those moments and as he goes about his life, God will remind him of those times because he has a call on his life that he's been running from forever! My mission was fulfilled and it ended. Now, I don't recommend anyone to do what I just did unless God is specific, because I will tell you, it WILL rip your heart out!!! What ripped my heart out is that I knew from day one he would run from God, but one always has hope that they'll just recklessly abandon themselves to Christ. Well, he pulled a Jonah, like all of us have at some time! LOL! The night before the end came, God had me do a few things! I got to pray over him in such a personal way and it was sooooo amazing! I think that was probably the most powerful time of prayer ever because it was just so incredibly intimate and personal in regards to his heart. I'll cherish that time of prayer for eternity!! I also learned a lot about myself in the short time I was seeing him. I learned even more so that I'm going to be an amazing partner to the right man! He and I had our share of disagreements, but not one time did I dishonor or disrespect him. In my past, I would have sliced and diced him with my words. Growth!!! This part makes me very happy!! There are also areas of my belief system that still need changing and revamping so I'm embracing those areas!!
A few months back, I began dating another person. This one was different because I knew that ultimately God had me on a mission. There was no doubt in my mind! God had revealed some really incredible things to me about this person and for the most part, I just ministered to this individual by serving him, and pouring out the love of God to him. We had some amazing God moments together. There is absolutely nothing that can compare to those moments and as he goes about his life, God will remind him of those times because he has a call on his life that he's been running from forever! My mission was fulfilled and it ended. Now, I don't recommend anyone to do what I just did unless God is specific, because I will tell you, it WILL rip your heart out!!! What ripped my heart out is that I knew from day one he would run from God, but one always has hope that they'll just recklessly abandon themselves to Christ. Well, he pulled a Jonah, like all of us have at some time! LOL! The night before the end came, God had me do a few things! I got to pray over him in such a personal way and it was sooooo amazing! I think that was probably the most powerful time of prayer ever because it was just so incredibly intimate and personal in regards to his heart. I'll cherish that time of prayer for eternity!! I also learned a lot about myself in the short time I was seeing him. I learned even more so that I'm going to be an amazing partner to the right man! He and I had our share of disagreements, but not one time did I dishonor or disrespect him. In my past, I would have sliced and diced him with my words. Growth!!! This part makes me very happy!! There are also areas of my belief system that still need changing and revamping so I'm embracing those areas!!
So listen, I share all this with you because there are areas of your life that you are going to attract great things, but there will also be areas of your life that you will attract…well…not-so great things! You are always attracting something! Don’t get discouraged when you see the not-so good things! Let me remind you that you are a work in progress! Jesus is your partner! When you are experiencing the not-so good things that your beliefs have attracted, embrace them! Look at them, and examine them from the perspective of “responsibility.” By taking ownership for your part, you become a victor instead of a victim! Know why? It is because confronting faulty beliefs and taking responsibility for them “is” the catalyst for change if you choose for it to be! It really is your choice! When what you really believe is exposed, you can finally deal with it – effectively!!!
I choose not to allow my faulty beliefs to stay that way! With the help of Jesus, my mentors and close friends, I begin to focus my attention on the identity of Christ. I begin making an exchange – what I believe (my view and opinion) for what HE declares (His view and opinion)! I make a conscious decision to focus on His attributes, and not mine! As I persuade my heart by focusing on Him and not me, I begin to change the subconscious part of me. Whatever area that is not lining up with what God says my life should look like becomes exposed to His truth, and not my interpretation. Don’t you think we’ve given our faulty belief systems way too much of our lives? It’s time to embrace a new identity – you have been given one by the God of the universe, who loves you more than you know! Press in to find that new identity, and make the exchange!
In addition, I also want to add something very important! Even once your belief system has changed, you still may have to deal with the “pattern” of what has been your reality in the past, so don’t get discouraged if you find you’ve attracted the not so good again. You know you’ve overcome when you recognize it, refuse to compromise your new belief system, and take the action necessary to maintain healthy boundaries - as well as guard yourself against that old pattern infiltrating your heart again!! If you find yourself compromising, then you need to develop your belief system further until you see a change manifest in your life! In fact, if you see the continued pattern of your past enter your life, then take a massive plan of action and surround yourself with individuals that have a great track record in that area, and make them your parameter to see through what you may not! And here’s a helpful tip when it comes to relationships, ask a friend who is of the same sex of the person you’re interested in dating, for their insight! Chances are they will call out things you either don’t want to see, or can’t see and they’ll nail it every time and then "choose" wisely for yourself!
What are you attracting in love? If you look at your significant other, I mean really look! They are a mirror for you! What is the reflection? If the reflection is not what you've desired or prayed for then ask yourself what your belief system is about love.
What are you attracting in love? If you look at your significant other, I mean really look! They are a mirror for you! What is the reflection? If the reflection is not what you've desired or prayed for then ask yourself what your belief system is about love.
Get someone to do that exercise that I mentioned above, with you! Most importantly, do not get discouraged!! Once you recognize an area, take responsibility for your part! Acknowledge it, confront it, and you'll quickly realize you have the power inside of you, to change it!!!
A Work in Progress and Learning Well,
TDahl
www.tammydahl.com
A Work in Progress and Learning Well,
TDahl
www.tammydahl.com
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